I asked for something

I asked for something so I wouldn’t cry anymore

I asked for something worth fighting for

Then you arrived and I didn’t understand what was happening

If all I had to do was ask I should have gotten it long ago but instead I was playing a losing hand

Then you disappeared and I knew what pain really was. God give it and take it away. Mostly I felt like things were taken away.

I’m thankful for the moments when I felt like nothing could go wrong.

I’m thankful but I still cry because why would I have it for a moment and then die everyday

Cause it’s gone but I still go on

I met my shadow

I met my shadow 13 years ago when my spirit was really low.

He could only find me when I was on his level.

I haven’t returned there for a few years but here I am with the tears.

He couldn’t stay long this time because I wasn’t going there.

He always ushers me out of the darkness even if that’s not his motive.

He pushes me to ask for more and to live a life that is full.

I thank him for that even if it comes with tears.

I wish everyone well so that they never have to meet their shadow.

Either you meet him and give away something physical or you don’t and you

lack in the spiritual.

I wish you didn’t have to go to that spiritual low, but when someone leaves

your life it is hard to remain high.

Maybe everyone has to go to that low but I wouldn’t dare choose so.

You could look someone else’s shadow in the face and watch them descend

into hell and then make the same mistake.

I can’t save you from your shadow, but I wish I could.

You watched my descent and you didn’t notice it was so deep so maybe you

thought it was the right place to go but if I could I would tell you no.

Your shadow gets paid in your pain but we all might do it again.

You knew that the shadow took something from me but it wasn’t enough for

you to see or comprehend.

You think I’m good because I’m well but everyone has a different hell.

I fear that yours won’t be long. I’ve missed you and they tried to tell you but

you have gone wrong. This is the swan song. I cry for you but it doesn’t

matter because you couldn’t stop yourself from what I went after.

Maybe they are always older because they are our mothers and fathers.

They teach us something we haven’t seen but in the end it is all mean.

But what does it all mean?

I see God

I was looking for purpose and sometimes I was lost.

I couldn’t be found.

I didn’t even see me around.

I looked for a reason for being.

I looked for a meaning.

I know that I didn’t put myself here because I gave up a long time ago.

I wonder how I made it and then I know.

God gave me a reason. God gave me time because I spent hours wondering why.

He gave me the hardest journey I could imagine.

It lasted longer than I could fathom

Or anyone else for that matter

And my heart fills with laughter.

I prayed

I prayed and prayed.

The pain wouldn’t go away.

Why anyone would sign up for this I don’t know to this day.

I kept making the same mistake.

I prayed for them to go away.

But I face them again.

I’m tired of being at their feet.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m the one who doesn’t deserve

I don’t deserve anything that’s all mine

They come inside and take things.

Mostly they take my self-esteem.

But I keep praying because it’s the only thing

that keeps me here

It’s the only thing that will make me feel like I have a chance

Even though this nightmare started before I had my breath

And it seems like it will last throughout this life and the next.

Little Creatures

I’m tired of the little creatures following me around.

I don’t like them, but they always seep in

I’m tired of looking at them again

I clean and clean and I’m tired of that

I hit them with a baseball bat

They come back

I want them to go away so this time I say be gone

and they will follow along